I Knew I Love You Before I Met You

What occurs to you when you read the title? Yup, That's right, Savage Garden.

When this song was released a couple of years ago, I kind of scoffed at it. Unrealistic. How come you get in love with someone you never met before. Ridiculous, isnt? But now, that doesnt seem impossible to happen.

Reasons for building a relationship are different for every person. Physical thing, personality, future, money, love, loneliness, any of which belongs exclusively to each individual's decision. Still, I can never find suitable reason to be in love with someone whom I never met. Until now.

All doubts have been settled. The answer is : Yahoo Messenger :)
I am sure no one ever prefer to choose cyber as a way of meeting a man of her dream. Hehehe. My friend is no exception. She always laughed seeing her bestfriend enjoyed talking with her boyfriend by messenger. Always pretended that she is untouchable for cyber love. Well, time has proven her wrong. Love is definitely unpredictable thing. Kubilang juga apaaaaa........

What do u think of these symptoms??
Invisible to everyone --> into --> available to one contact (and that's not to me for sure)
No chat during research --> into --> something's missing if she works without chatting
Doesnt matter leaving the computer anytime she wants --> She wants to be in front of the computer all the time (as long as he is around the computer, too)
Why hasnt he buzzed me yet?? Do I have to buzz him first?

Ceritanya si dia mudik sekarang. Boro2 chatting, internet aja susah hihi. Yg ada... resah gelisah tak menentu dong temenku ini.

Self Encouraging

Failure made me realize that there is actually grey area beyond our perception we are incapable to control. Sometimes I woke up in the morning having panic attacks, fearing to face the day, feeling uncertain of what lies ahead (sorry buat yg suka ditelpon pagi2 cuma buat denger panic rumblings-ku). Afraid of failure, afraid of incapabilities to achieve what I really dream of.

Once in a while, when logic delivers the good, I can be very optimistic, without doubts, with full steam ahead, to face the day, but at times, this thing just fails to touch even my superficial brain tissues. On certain occasion, I can be very ambitious and perfectionist, but frequently I lose the the flame and surrender to the failure-prone condition. Bad habit...

Maybe it's just the biggest part of being human, uncertainties. The grey area which is entirely and exclusively His wills. What must be fostered is the faith the in anyway whatsoever, what happened, happens and will happen are in essence for our greater good, in spite of the difficulties to accept the reality at the very start (as it is different from what we might want it to be).

All we need to do is, doing the supreme effort we can make, let the world do as it will.

Go unchallenged :)
Mau zemi 2 hari lagi
Mau defense 2 minggu lagi
Mau pulang kampung 1 bulan lagi

Payah!!

-Posting 4 bahasa hehe-

Melangkah keluar dari Kayabacho Tower.., yang terpikir :

1. Can I bear another failure?
2. Do I have to take another test??
3. Stupid me!!! #&2%&6#!!ZX#"! Bakka.

Alah wis opo pulang ae ya, enak, ga usah mikir mesti makan apa, bisa jalan2, ga usah pake stress2. Tapi yo apa iyo gitu... Shoganai.

GAGAL DENGAN SUKSES. Gimana mau sekolah lagiiiiii... Hiks. Huaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
I wish I could turn back time.

-trying to find the silver lining-

How to..

Solitary person in a far far away land, almost midnight, accompanied by a distant away lonely friend and a keep 'wondering' tonight sanguine friend hehehe.

Been almost 2 years here. Gained much in life lesson but, scaled down academically. Bad results in research (my fault), unfinished thesis (sluggish me), unprepared for GRE (forgetful me), messy literally and metaphorically. Grr....I'd better not talk about unpleasant things, it only make matters worse. Lets think about the achievement... ehmm wait should I call this achievement?? I dont know another saying for that. Something that I consider as positive thing. Benefit? Profit? Is this financial thing? See, I am not ready at all for this GRE vocab things. Maybe I should review the vocab drills now. Maybe I should stop writing now.

At least now I've learned..
1. How to be more communicative. This blog is the outcome. Former me wouldnt dare enough to put personal things in words. Actually, this is a good thing considering that in some agitated conditions, writing makes me emotionally calmer.

2. How to be more appreciative. Some says that losing makes us better appreciate things. That is so true. Deficiency after losing, makes us think how precious what had gone was.

3. How to deal with sanguines. People...It's very important (to me). Realizing that two best friends of mine are sanguines (correction, ACUTE SANGUINES), and making friends with them takes out the bad in me (and put in little bad in me), I would never mind at all having a lifetime with another sanguine one.

After the bad ones, here comes the good one, sodara sodara

Why can't it take place in my research?? I just cant find good thing in it. Ow,I'd better really stop writing now.

Oyasuminasai.

Ikhlas

If anyone knows how to wish and dream, that's me. Daydreams, night dreams, and nostalgic sighs (mehe mehe istilah indonesianya). Nowadays, rushed by obligations and preparations in an unnatural speed (result of those procrastinations and indolences), I almost have no time for daydreaming, and even for night dreams.

In little rests between work, I do a lot of thinking, doing that nostalgic sighs, about how I easily took everything for granted, and when I realized then, that was way too late. In the end, 'Maybe that's the way things work' is my only self-justification, a defense against regret. The answer is only God knows what. Ikhlas is what I really have to do at the moment.　

Over the next days, infused by Ramadhan spirit, I'll get my hands full of hopes, wishes, prayers, trying to recuperate, regain myself, ask forgiveness from others and most of all try to forgive myself.

Congratz for Graduation

To my eyes, she always is a little sister who always doesnt know what is best for herself, who always needs my protection and my advice in every important thing in her life. Time has already come for her to step in a real world, be ready for a bigger challenge awaiting and for sure a bigger happiness.

Go-shotsugyo omedeto gozaimasu, adekku sayang.

Jangan lupa jatahkuuuu :)

First Farewell

Been saturated with research and vocabulary drill over days and weeks (the reason for my weird messenger status these days, which is continuously protested by her), kept me from thinking of my decreasing period of stay here. My first sayonara with Shimozawa sensei brought me back to reality *tsaaaah bahasaku*

He is the most important person for me in Japan instead of Fujie Sensei, for his guidance and 'protection' during my study. Once and a while I met him in Tokyo and he always posed series of questions regarding my personal and academic life. He always makes sure that everything goes well for me, and that I dont do anything stupid here like being in love with Japanese guy :P. When I told him about my departure date and that I really want to see him once before leaving, he suddenly voluntarily offered to visit me in Toyohashi.

I came to Toyohashi station to meet him, and I was so surprised that I think he looked much younger than the last time we met (He already 75). He bought me Tempura set lunch (cost almost 3500) and he, as usual, posed questions about my research, what I am going to do in Indonesia, and my plan for continuing PhD abroad.

I just dont know how to gratify him for his interminable care and help. When he left, I feel like I am separated with my own grandpa.

青空

平井賢の歌がいつも大好き。。。

さよならの瞳には曇り一つもう映らない
たのんだミルクチィー口もうつけないまま
いつか晴れるはずの。。天気雨に降られ
今僕の方方を濡らした

声が出ない足もう動かない
ただ回りが薄れてく
小さくなる強い背中の君を
いっそ憎めるなら楽なのに

涙さえ見せなかった
君わ冷たくて優しい
僕はその反対と
君によくい言われた

なぜ追いかけなかった？？
なぜ捕まえなかった？？
なぜ大事にしなかった？？

君のために何をしたんだろう
変わらないよ愛してる
今になって言いたかった言葉が募る
行き場のないもどかしさ

声が出ない足もう動かない
ただ回りが薄れてく
疲れたままはず冷えるばかりのミルクチィーに
弱い僕がうつってる

君にために何をしたんだろう
変わらないよ愛してる
窓の外わ泣きたいほどに
遠く広く迷いのない青空